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| I desperately need to improve my study skills. I have already failed two of my econ and math tests! Now I have no other choice but to get either an A or B on the next tests I take. Which means I need to improve my studying skills. I wish I were some sort of genius that remembered every lecture by heart or some sort of lucky charm to where I would never have to study but always get the right answers. Failing my tests consist of me forgetting the material and never even studying the material. UGH, its such a pain in the ass man! I study all week long and stress out for days just to fail a test that I've chanted so hard to at least PASS! Forget that shit because I'm not a failure and I am NOT dropping these classes, so I literally have nothing else left but to get a tutor or some shit. So mad!
Driving towards the sunset, pumped up to see the riverside youth practice. Last night was a wonderful night. I was able to see such a beautiful sky before I went to practice. When I ever the kaikan I see everyone all ready to practice, it was such an amazing feeling to see the youth really wanting to try. Afterwards me and a couple of the older youth went out to Life Cafe, drank some boba and chatted. Towards the end Jack and I were deeply talking about Buddhism and that felt so great. I haven't had a talk like that for awhile. I think us fellah's are getting more united. I'm just so grateful at this moment. Expect for the fact that I am a horrible test taker.
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| I just want to live each day as if it were literally my last. I have the hardest time trying to apply that to my life. It's even more hard when we encounter hardships. Emotions, boys, school work, job stress, etc. All of that prevents us from living like tomorrow may not come. But with all those hardships we can still live each day like it were our last, when is it my turn?
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| I seriously feel like I could blow up right now. I happened to take up responsibilities for SGI when I am also involved with school, hormones, and just life in general. It's not such a good thing but I decided to take this responsibility, nobody placed it upon me.
Well first off, I am not a choreographer. I love to dance but I was never good at choreographing and so this is such a struggle for me to have to teach the kids how to dance. I had two weeks to come up with more choreography but Thomas was never available. Through this I've really learned not to depend on people and how badly it can hurt me in the end. I am used to depending on people and using them, now it is all starting to bite me in the ass. I've tried so many times to get myself up to make my own choreography but I guess I am just too insecure. I feel like I am letting down my SGI youth members and everyone else actually. I feel like they have so much hope for me yet I am not giving them my all. Seriously makes me want to cry. I need help. People can help me but not in ways that I need. I feel so lost. I use to have Andrew to talk to or at least guide me but he's no longer there to guide me, or in the way I want at least. As of right now no one is.
In addition to that situation, school is frustrating me. I know I owe it to be in community college. Ditching, smoking weed and partying instead of studying and being focused in school. I could have placed myself into a university and saved myself the time. Yet I will be stuck at MSJC for at least another and I am dreading that to the fullest! I went to speak to my counselor and realized that I may have to be transferring in 2010! I want so badly to transfer and get into a university, I pray and I chant. Things should be going my way but they're not.
Now in extra addition to that, I just realized that I am still not over my little crush with this guy Jon here. After looking at some pictures on myspace (shhhhh) I assume that him and his ex may possibly be more than just friends. I mean common...you hang out and party with your ex? Your high school sweetheart? Your hand is across her shoulder? And you guys are still just friends? Whatever. Why do I even care? And that question right there is what made me realize that NO I am not over him.
Trying to quit smoking cigarettes but so hard!
Wanting my mom to just be happy, not happening.
Just wanting to feel beautiful and good about myself....yeaaah right!
What else?
I could go on for hours about what's not going right but I feel like that may be the cause for even more problems. So I think my game plan is to just focus on whats right in my life right now, dwell upon that and just leave it at that. While trying my hardest to leave my problems at the door.
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| Last night I had so many thoughts running through my mind and then started to sort them out as I pretended to be writing in my xanga. Who knew that writing a blog could relieve so much stress and confusion? On February 25th I will be 20 years old. Oh how strange does it feel to actually say that? I feel old. 20? I imagined myself being 16 and 18 but never 20!Well thankfully I am still here yet at times I dont quiet feel ready to be 20. I can't help think that there are so many people my age doing bigger and better things with their life. I try my hardest to keep a positive attitude and be proud of my accomplishments but I still have that thought of what if I went straight to a university or what if I did more as a kid. Of course the actions of my past brought me to where I am today but if my actions so happened to be different, would I be in a better place? That's a negative thought yet I can't seem to erase it from my mind. I want so much for my life right now. It's just that at times I don't feel as capable or like I said before, ready. Yeah, sometimes I just feel a little too emotional but I guess that just comes with me being a pisces. We are said to be very sensitive creatures. I realize that I am sensitive and even though it separates me a little from most of the people I know, I can't help it. It's just me. I'm real and I'm not afraid to be sensitive. I can't quiet explain the way I feel but it aint satisfactory. I'm not that eager to go out and play, nor am I totally impressed with the things I see going on around me. Everyone I thought I knew is somehow changing. I am too. But it hurts to see people changing for the worse. It is my birthday weekend, why don't I feel like it is? | | |
| When a kid is brought up in poverty and has parents that are up to no good, is it really our right to look down on the child? When a kid is stuck on drugs, has unprotected sex with just anyone, or joins a gang, do we really have the right to blame the child? Or should we be blaming the parent for how they brought up the child? No one really knows whats its like to live like a kid who has bad parents unless they are living in that kids shoes. And no one knows what the child will do in order to get his or her mind away from it all. Of course the kid can choose to live a better life than his parents but thats usually not the case. Personally, I would use my parents as an example so that I could live a better life than theirs but then again I've never lived in poverty. So what I believe is merely just a thought. I was just looking at an old friend of mine and how her life is. Alot of my friends have choosen to do the wrong things and I was wondering why they choose to be that way. Another semester of community college but I am so excited that I've stuck through it and know what I want to do. I will be fully prepared at a university and that excites me. I'm just so happy to be living and knowing what I want, it makes life fun. I was planning on transferring to UCLA but I want to hurry up and get out of this place, so I'm thinking of transferring to UCR. Sherry's given me the opportunity to watch over the kids at the district meetings. It's almost like holding a little meeting, we chant, then I go over some reading material and ask them questions, and then after they pair up into teams and they answer questions from this brain quest thingy. It's a little hard handling them and trying to get them to stay still and quiet, but I love being surrounded by our future! It's great to know that these kids are doing something good and I'm apart of that. And the other weekend I MCed for the womans kick-off meeting, nothing too big but alot of the woman appreciate me for what I've done. Wow, to me its all fun and I'm doing it because it's benefitting me but everyone else is thanking me. Haha, I should be thanking them instead! | | |
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